Made this one somewhat last minute, but here goes- my reccomendations for this week are a yuri “mystery” VN that’s near and dear to my heart (that goes into processing grief) though it’s been a while since I last played it, and a cute and sloppy (not bad sloppy) manga about crossdressing (and if you ask me is honestly at least kinda genderfuckery).
I figured I’d also add BonnieBugsy’s “Ranma Lazuli” fanfic series (available on Ao3) to make it a triple feature because why the hell not. The two fics I can recommend (not having completed the other large fic yet though I’m sure it would deserve equal recommendation) are pretty near and dear to me as well.
CONTENT WARNINGS
SeaBed: processing grief Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy: some chapters, particularly the extras, can be particularly suggestive/R18+ Ranma Lazuli: for the two fanfics specifically I’m discussing, “Skies of Blue, Red Roses Too” covers dysphoria and abusive family circumstances, with the premise of the titular Ranma escaping these and finding a place where she can be and grow into herself. “I of the Storm,” in contrast, deals with the abusive and unhealthy dynamics of that “place where nothing ever gets better” from the perspective of someone still living within it- Akane- who herself, also has to deal with her anger and the consequences of (being a victim, but also perpetrator of) abuse, apathy, and past mistakes, while moving past that environment herself.
Premise and things I liked about (SeaBed)
Sachiko and Takako were childhood friends and lovers, but unknown circumstances tore them apart. Now they have to piece together the puzzle, as Sachiko keeps hallucinating about Takako, and Takako deals with memory issues of her own.
Personally, Seabed can come across as a bit of a slog (but in a good way- and in a way appropriate to the themes of grief, of mental processing and memory issues, etc). And it can be very heavy. I played it during a time when I was dealing with grief among other things myself and I loved it- I intend to play it again someday (ideally soon), but needless to say it won’t be for everyone.
Premise and things I liked about (Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy)
Admittedly, this is just comfy, queer (IMO), somewhat suggestive (YMMV, if it were just up to me I’d not even consider it NSFW but it’s definitely toeing a line and considering cultural and even circumstantial differences of different online spaces- well yea) and sappy light-hearted romance. Iori is a crossdressing boy(? very eggy if you ask me), and Hazuki is a handsome girl. Needless to say gender is a fuck.
The extra chapters (generally noticeable as something like “chapter 23.5” instead of being an outright “chapter 23” for instance) can be even moreso questionably/maybe “NSFW/18+” (though if you ask me that’s all “western puritanism and backwardness/regressiveness” which they then infected many other parts of the world with)
Premise and things I liked about (BonnieBugsy's 'Ranma Lazuli' fanfic series)
The two “Ranma Lazuli” fics I can recommend (the others I either haven’t read yet or are very short) are both what I would describe as “coming of age/graduation(?)” plots, wherein Ranma moves from her abusive, overwhelming, demanding upbringing to the welcoming and progressive Beach City from Steven Universe (no knowledge of either series is necessary IMO to enjoy these fics, that said) and is finally able to develop within such a healthier environment, and Akane comes to terms with and breaks free of the fallout and that unhealthy environment in her own way, in her own separate life.
Both fics, I feel, correlate with my own defining experiences on many levels- whether it be Ranma’s growth and the liberating feeling of finding a positive, comfy space and escaping the small, shitty, abusive world she was raised in prior, or in Akane’s own growth and rejection of that same small world, as well as the permanence of one’s actions having come from and having been a part of what made that world so small and unhealthy to begin with, and growing past that and coming to terms with it.
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Nocturne in Black and Gold - The Falling Rocket - James McNeill Whistler, 1877
Starry Night Over the Rhone - Van Gogh, 1888
Boulevard Montmartre at Night - Camille Pissarro, 1897
China
sadposting about dysphoria at midnight
I remember high school being an extremely difficult time for me because although i was absolutely drowning in the dysphoria, I hadn’t the single faintest clue what that emotion was. All I knew was that it stung in a way that I could never even imagine something could hurt me
years later in the future I can look back and see just what that poor, sad egg was thinking and it’s both touching and painful to look back on those memories with the confusion lifted. What that girl was feeling was intense, acute dysphoria and had no idea
sometimes the memories just flood back out of nowhere when a simple little thing triggers that memory again. Even just an ASMRtist i enjoyed listening to years ago brings some of the memories back because i thought she was so pretty and it hurt and i didn’t know why
i can’t really bring myself to even watch her content anymore
New girl I just invented:
Going to the lesbian bar holding a collar with a bell on it and shaking it to attract local petgirls in need
going to the lesbian bar with a dog training clicker in your pocket that you occasionally use to see who looks up
deleted by creator
Why do I keep doing this (staying up deadass late in this case the past few days mainly reading manga or granted some other rabbitholes like learning more about BPD). Anyways I’ll get caught up with some people more uh… yeah working on it o7
I feel like I'm crashing out 🫠 (CW for SA, horny, unhinged rambling)
About a month ago I switched from prescribed estradiol patches to DIY injections. This didn’t happen purely on a whim, the clinic I get my prescription from abruptly canceled GAC for all patients, even adults, right after I picked up my last prescription. They did reverse this decision pretty quickly, but at the time (and a bit before it happened, and even now) I had in my mind that I couldn’t and shouldn’t rely on institutional channels to get HRT because of the people currently in charge of the US federal government. So luckily I bought a bit of DIY injectable estradiol and injection supplies in time before my prescription ran out. I was on patches for about 3 months up to this point.
As I said, I switched about 3, almost 4 weeks ago, and things were fine for the first, let’s say 2.5 weeks. I felt about the same as I did on patches, maybe even a bit better. But about a week ago I noticed my libido, which had been pretty low on patches, started to increase. Initially I though it was just the “girl horny” that comes with being on estradiol, that maybe it could even be a sign that injections really are better than patches. But it’s persisted over a week later, and I feel like it’s fucked with my mental/emotional state much more than being on all natural home grown T for decades did. No matter how much I try to “satisfy” the urges it’s always there in the background. And for better or worse being like this for such an extended period unearthed old trauma. One thing I’ll say is that chest pain is mostly gone, which I think means it’s lower?
CW for SA
I’ve never told anyone this until now, but I was sexually abused repeatedly at a young age. I won’t get into details since it’s not important, but even though the thought of it has come up at other points in my life, for the first time I realized how deeply it has affected how I relate to other people and how I view myself. I’ve always been extremely secretive and guarded. I don’t remember ever fully trusting anyone, and I think it’s one of the big reasons I repressed myself for so long, having to prove to myself and others that it didn’t affect me (it did) and that I’m just a Normal Boy who would grow up to be a Normal Man. When my egg first cracked a yearish ago, part of why I wanted to transition is that I realized that there’s nothing I want more than to be comfortable enough with myself to be open enough to have sexual relationships. I had romantic partners when I was younger, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to initiate anything sexual. For a while I thought that transitioning would help, and while it might be a factor, it’s not the biggest obstacle.
I also realized I’ve been carrying a sense of guilt over it this whole time, from not doing anything to stop it. It only ended when someone else they were abusing reported them.
(borderline ableism CW?) Lately I’ve been reading a novel where one of the characters gets SA’d, and the narrator explains that part of why it happened is that the abuser perceived the victim as “slow” (to put it politely, the author uses a more colloquial word 😬), and now I’m wondering if other people perceive me that way, and maybe that’s why it happened to me. Or maybe I didn’t say anything because on some level I liked it.
On a third note, I feel a sense of survivor’s guilt about it? Like it wasn’t as bad as some of the other SA stories I’ve heard over the years, so it’s pathetic for me to feel this fucked up about it decades later.
So I guess the most straightforward solution would be to go get my hormones levels tested, maybe get back on prescription, and to get a mental health therapist specializing in the stuff I’m dealing with. Unfortunately I currently don’t have health insurance (or any income tbh - I have a decent amount of savings but I’d like to slow the rate of burning through it as much as I can since I don’t know when I can get a job again) so I don’t think I’ll be able to easily justify these costs. Typing it out just now makes me realize how fucked up this rationalization sounds but what can I say, This Is America. I can maybe justify paying out of pocket to get hormone levels tested at some point, but I’d like to wait at least a few weeks more since from what I know, it’s typical for hormone levels to dip for a bit when switching medication types. I want to space out healthcare spending as much as I can, since out of pocket costs can run into the hundreds per visit. Therapy to me is a messier subject, since to my knowledge it’s very hit or miss.
I just don’t know what to do or where I’m going with any of this
only thing I know is I’m fucked up 🙃CW SA
The SA I experienced as a child is also the reason why I only recently realised I’m trans. It fucks with your development in so many ways, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this as well.
I understand the need to find an explanation for why it happened but please don’t look at yourself as the reason, there’s a reason why we call it victim blaming and it’s because you did nothing wrong, the perpetrator did. I also never spoke about my SA until recently and I never brought justice to the perpetrators. It’s just how it is. Most adults aren’t equipped to deal with SA, let alone a child. You did nothing wrong, you didn’t ask for it and you didn’t deserve it.
Feel free to message me if you want to talk about this. I’m really sorry you can’t get the healthcare you need currently.
I would like people to tell me sweet, gender affirming things.
(Please)
Check your DMs~ ❤️
Hanging out with manly dudes doing manly things like getting osha certs was fun today. It was a bit of a bummer how many times it had to be repeated to us not to cat call the staff at the training center, don’t think none of us done it but previous classes they’ve kick people out for it rightly so. Right now it seems everyone is just nose to the grind stone trying to get everything done, hope it stays that way at least for me it will. I couldn’t really lie too much about myself in the intro but I kept it chill.
There was originally a box when applying for nb but I kind of chickened out and didn’t mark it. Part of me was worried I’d get rejected or something. Maybe I should have but I’d like to get through this and find a job afterwards.
Also related it’s kind of chill hanging out with a bunch of poor jobless dudes like me, none of them are like “I have to go to my job at the job factory and job it up all day” like my friends do too often.
Since transitioning cishet men have been acting weirder to me (except Noodle man who is an ally).
But cis women have been way nicer. Which I consider an absolute win.
Small touches on the arm in conversation, smiling small talk, and even walking closely past me rather than the 2m berth I’m now giving strange men.
I wish my existence wasn’t seen as an act of aggression against women
I know what you mean, especially with the news and shit.
For what it’s worth, hegemonic patriarchy has a very specific view of Femininity. It’s very white, it’s tied to a specific body type, it’s tied to all of our oppression as women. Some women practice lateral violence in the hopes that by fitting in to that system of oppression that they’ll have a position of security in that hierarchy. Some just have internalized misogyny, some really are just haters and haven’t done any self reflection about “We CaN aLwAyS tElL” also applies to all the ways they fail to achieve hegemonic feminity- which is intentionally (for a vague hand wavey sense of intention lol) impossible to actually achieve
Some of these women are threatened by lesbians, by tom boys, by butch, by farm girl cis women who don’t have time for lipstick or a husband after the last one died, some are threatened by women who either don’t have children by choice or can’t, etc. The list goes on, uniting all of those people with us in an understanding of inclusive and liberatory feminism threatens systems of control including some women who are at those controls
Some of these women are threatened by lesbians, by tom boys, by butch, by farm girl cis women who don’t have time for lipstick or a husband after the last one died, some are threatened by women who either don’t have children by choice or can’t, etc. The list goes on, uniting all of those people with us in an understanding of inclusive and liberatory feminism threatens systems of control including some women who are at those controls
Yes, absolutely this. Transfems are not where it’ll stop. It’s already affecting cis women who don’t perfectly fit into the expected woman metrics. It’ll more aggressively affect queer (sexuality) women next, women who aren’t perfectly fem, of course can’t forget racism against anything not in line with white, western femininity too.
Unfortunately for us, transfems are just the easiest entry point right now.
transfems are just the easiest entry point right now.
Pretty sure we always will be too
I know :/ I love women…
@AntifaSuperWombat@hexbear.net good call on perma-sharp, my face is so smooth! I will continue trying others, but I wanted to start with your top rec and this is already way nicer and more comfy than those derbies ever were. Thank you!!
Your smoothness is my pleasure
Read ‘My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness’ and ‘My Solo Exchange Diary’ and there were so many
moments. I’ve had a vastly different life experience from the author and yet everything hits me emotionally so hard.Coming to realize other people’s struggles has kinda put into perspective that I’m not alone in my struggles of depression, and that even though it’d a long journey toward improvement, it still gets better. Just kinda forcing me to recognize that overcoming the struggles of depression is a long journey of ups and downs, but that in the end the trend line of happiness goes up over time.
Also forcing me to apply the kindness I do onto other to myself, of seeing myself and my struggles in such a close way to the author and it kinda clicking that I need to apply the kindness I do onto others to myself.
Like with these books, there were so many times of me recognizing the struggles of the author and seeing her overcome them, even with how cathartic it was, and then realizing how much that struggle to overcome depression and its eventual slow results applies to me too. These books have pushed me to try and be nicer to myself, even though its cathartic. Shit gets better, even though it may not feel like it in the moment.
sex
Also the wanting to hire a prostitute but the main factor missing was not having a feeling of acceptance, of being loved. Just kinda a shock to see a similar process in myself through having to overcome the societal pressure of always seeing sex as bad and to never be talked about, along with a similar feeling I’ve felt of the primary factor of a sexual experience being the longingness for love and touch, to no longer experience this chronic loneliness, to be supported out of the hole of depression. Shit hits way closer to home than I ever expected coming to read this book.
response to sex
oh my god, the entire reason i read that book and why it was recommended to me is because i was mentioning to a friend having that exact same thought process of “oh my god i’m so fucking touch starved and lonely i feel like hiring a prostitute just to do basic physical affection shit” and then she replied " hey i think you should read this" and then my egg cracked like 3 days later
i found the wokest manga
Love Me For Who I Am (Torrent Link) (the translation on mangadex sucks)
it’s not very deep. it’s clearly for a japanese audience, because they explain what LGBT stands for. but I appreciate something that’s so direct about it for once
I really liked that manga. I want a spin off series about Mei
I read this one a few years back, I thought it was okay and it was a nice comfort read but it didn’t leave an impression. Pulling from my reading journal entry, my immediate take was that it was “Fun and fluffy but not much else.”
It has a few really nice bits though, like the trans girl switching from watashi to atashi, and some of the main character’s moments with his sister, plus it was decently short.
