Soooo after a month of trying, I have given up trying to get my 7900xtx setup back from my ex.
I have been grinding at work using a ryzen 5500U handheld with a smashed display and a usb-c dock as my stopgap system.
This is what I have settled on as the replacement:
https://pcpartpicker.com/list/GGrhwY
My primary usecase is g*ming, although my most played titles are HEAVILY cpu bound to the point that an Arc B580 would do in the counterfactual world where Intel did not operate factories on destroyed Palestinian villages.
The 9070xt is a gambit that ML hype keeps prices inflated through the launch of UDNA in 3 years.
I travel for work often enough that the portability of a single 40something ultrawide versus multiple 20something 16:9 is an issue.