I’ve been away for a bit, mostly lurking when I’m on to scroll the news comm. I’ve just had this feeling of nothingness ever since I really processed that we are all the losers of history. That the economic system, in order to reproduce itself will either metaphorically throw us in the scrap pile once we wear out or burn us for fuel.
I guess I get irked whenever I see people talking about organizing at a local level. I just think people in general would rather have scapegoats to let the state persecute than think and do the actual work of fighting against the class system that sits on their necks. And it seems either a perverse mockery or an empty gesture whenever we point to leftist figures that lived nearly a century ago and are spurred on to follow their example, while we live in completely different contexts than they did.
Maybe I’m saying this because of how red the area is and my own isolation but, I just don’t want to deal with people in general. Their ignorance makes me so livid when I consider how we as communists are supposed to be radical democrats at heart. I explain over and over again to some of the people in my life who aren’t yet complete soulless monsters (in other words don’t view the entire totality of migrants as subhumans), and even if they agree with my ideas, they still end up supporting the far right anyways. If they’re still like that as a mass of people, they’re wholly incapable of governing themselves and are just leading us into a slow boiling mass extinction event.
I think I finally understand the meaning of a phrase I once though over used, “it’s not my job to educate you.” I just don’t want to deal with these people anymore, nor do I want to even get further involved with people who might be more amenable to class struggle because I know they’re either too precarious or lumpenized to do anything about it. At this point, I feel like giving up because I cannot feel much more. Not even anger at those who sit at the top of the class system. I just feel nothing except maybe a spark of rage whenever I see copium from my comrades on the left. The way we talk to dead theorists and leaders can be so macabre sometimes in light of their tragic failures in the short or long term. I just wish we could let them rest in peace.
Maybe this intersects with how I feel my personal life is just so listless. I’m well into adulthood and never met many of those threshold that my parent’s generation met. I don’t think I will meet those by throwing myself into trying to prop up people who are really complete strangers to me in some political movement.
Idk, I continue on but, I feel somewhat diminished at the moment.
all the people in my life are libbrained. they agree with almost everything i believe in but then instantly forget every conversation we ever have and go on believing and acting the same way they always have. their entire concept of geopolitics is flag emoji bashing into each other and making SWOOOSH and CRASH sounds. they treat it like a team sport. casualties are just numbers on a scoreboard. it’s all just a game to them.
there are a few of them who are aware of how politically uneducated they are, and they’ll come to me with questions, which they insultingly open with some variation of ‘so i get the impression you’re not the biggest fan of capitalism’ (DO YOU NOT REMEMBER A SINGLE FUCKING CONVERSATION WE’VE EVER HAD???). and i’ll answer directly and briefly, with links to more information. they never look anything up on their own. and then they come back a month later about how ‘someone who used to be my friend who went to Harvard said you’re wrong. thoughts?’ and i tell them to kick rocks and go back to rotting in their bingbingwahoo and superhero slop.
my local orgs are trapped in a sectarian stalemate; too busy fighting with each other. the paths toward effective action are all criminalised, so organising has been limited. i’m mostly stuck doing small things here and there with radlibs. all ‘above board’ of course.
the job i’ve trained for / done my whole life has been outsourced. i’m blacklisted in my industry and need to re/upskill thanks to “AI”, with no support. (not that there’s any jobs available anyway; there isn’t.) i might get deported. my trump card is playing into my disability, which sacrifices my agency and belonging for being permanently isolated but almost never having to worry about being homeless again. i’ve been on the streets twice; i don’t think i can do it again at my age.
i’m just so fucking done with it all. idk i’m writing this mostly to scream into the void.