Well I’m not sure which was the biggest shock, discovering that I have a partner or discovering that we’re having a baby. Both, as you might imagine, came as quite a surprise to an asexual man in his 50s who has never had a girlfriend. ;)

Our kid is not quite here but the parenting has already begun. My wife’s sleep is very disrupted due to the incessant kicking, and in turn mine. Sex has been physically impossible for many months and her hormones make it mentally impossible. She’s too tired to do many chores so my load has doubled.

But we are happy, I’m crying tears of joy many times a day, never felt it before. If anything I feel more confident in our relationship, we find ways to be sweet to each other. This is what we wanted and no surprises here. We did the work, therapy, and talked about it and planned constantly.

We were once like that though, communication is a skill that we learned the hard way. If you’re feeling unsure, please don’t have children (yet!). The parenting preparation can take years, don’t rush it.

We’re almost to our daughter’s 9th month of life. We’re both overtired and feeling overworked, with precious little of the time we used to spend on hobbies or couple-time. That said, while there’s been a shift towards an expectation culture in the house (vs an ask culture) we haven’t had the sort of challenges listed in that first paragraph.

Some things probably working for us:

• We’ve been together for over a decade and in our home for 9 years

• Our communication style is productive even during arguments (“I feel” statements are much more positive than “you” statements)

• We’re majority wfh so we have the capacity to buffer each others’ needs as parents throughout the day, rather than leaving everything to one person or having additional financial stresses with childcare

Some things definitely working for us:

• Calling each other out for awesome parenting, because very few others will and it’s amazing to feel that validation

• Proactively taking something off of each other’s plates, whether that’s cleaning or laundry, dishes or bottles, whatever task is getting done is one that doesn’t have to be done later

• Knowing about spoon theory and being sensitive to how much bandwidth each other has left. It’s way harder to recharge from past depleted, so being flexible and recognizing when I or my partner are reaching that point and stepping in or voicing a need for support goes a long way for both of us

How do you find the mental fortitude to ignore the stupid bs your partner does or says?

I mean, we’re both sleep deprived so I’m sure there’s stupid coming out of my mouth too. I think it’s much healthier to laugh or work to improve the condition causing stress than it is to feed a negative cycle. If either of us are escalating we missed a chance to bolster each other.

How would you describe love to your partner a year after having a baby?

Gratitude. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a partner who puts in the effort and has put in the effort to help build the communication style that’s worked so well for us.

Is there any way to know if you and your partner are going to make it and remain a couple after having a child?

It really helps to have a relationship built on respect, and knowing enough about yourselves to approach challenges constructively. Build a good foundation with each other, learn to communicate positively, and do your best.

We used to be cool.

We broke up before my son was even born. It was for the best though, he’ll never have to go through the breakup.