I feel only comfortable posting it here. Shows how much I like this place, and how much I trust you gays to actually know your stuff. And yeah, I’m posting it here because where else, this is gender type shit.

Since Deltarune launched, and now even stronger since Ch3+4, I’ve associated with Ralsei very strongly. Just like me, he’s basically an emotional wreck, who knows too much and tries to hide his pain. At the same time, his friends are his world and mean everything to him, just like mine to me. I even want to be like him, just a cute guy who loves to serve his friends and loved ones. So much so, that I feel like I’m projecting onto him way, way too hard. There are plenty people with a “ralsei is a transfem egg” headcannon, and I don’t know why, but stuff like that makes me feel uncomfrotable.

Like, when I’m seeing this stuff I feel as being asked to be someone I’m not. It’s just a fictional character, the dude supposedly doesn’t even really exist in the world he’s from. People can make him out whoever the fuck they want him to be. So why do I feel this way?

At the same time, I feel as existing itself as who I want to be is difficult. The gender norms required of cis men exhaust and sadden me, and if I don’t fit into them I’m going to be targeted. Right now I’m just a guy, when I want to be 🌺𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒶 𝑔𝓊𝓎🌺. Even then, trying to browse for makeup guides, or clothing styles makes me feel, unfulfilled, empty, and left guessing (Add some anxiety to that for some reason, maybe I’m overthinking the whole living in Poland thing). It’s mostly either with femboys in mind, you know the one singular aesthetic that feels like a porn category. Or you know, just outright for women. And I’m not a woman, egg discourse annoys me because of that. I feel stuck, like I don’t fit in within heteronormative spaces or queer spaces.

Maybe that’s why I like Ralsei so much. I’ve never seen something like me outside of myself before.

Am I a cishet queer thing? What the fuck even am I?

  • Super_Lumalo [he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
    1·
    29 days ago

    It’s like either I can see myself as a woman, or I can get other people to see me as a woman, but not both at the same time.

    THIS, SO MUCH THIS. You wrote it all so succinctly, even if there’s differences between how we want to be in who we are, you still explained the feeling very well. I suppose it gives me comfort that someone else out there feels like that too. I feel you.

    I don’t get the Deltarune comparison, but I feel like I understand exactly what you mean.

    It’s frustrating that in order for people to see me as my gender, I have to present in a way that makes me feel like I’m not myself.

    Ralsei as a character is just what solidified my feelings, since he gave me something of an anchor point around them towards myself. Even if my outward appearance most of the time is that of a regular cishet whiteboy, that appearance is mostly “a front”. I do feel comfortable in it, yes, but it’s not enough. I wish I had more courage to experiment, to be a bit more eccentric with my wardrobe, trying on makeup and jewelry.

    Some people in LGBTQ spaces will see aspects of my gender presentation (for example, I sometimes bind my chest) and take it as evidence that I’m in the early stages of coming out as a trans man.

    While I haven’t been called an egg yet (fuck egg culture), I’m still far from that, a whiteboy has to bare gay or bi allegations for having a modicum of personality. And while it’s funny for a while, later it’s just annoying. It just brings confusion, and I have to deal with people who earnestly believe I’m gay and then tell them “No, fuck off” in a polite manner. Sometimes I end up looking like all-morons yelling “I AM NOT GAY” lol