I can’t bear to look at the state of this world anymore. We’re not starting from square one, we’re starting from square negative fucking one hundred. There’s a time limit to improving this world and stopping things from getting worse, but we’re either nearing it or already past it. Palestine was a major litmus test for this world, and the world has failed the test miserably. If there was some sort of consequence for failing the test, and if it were merciful, it would have wiped humanity off the face of the planet in an instant, not let it drag on like this…
I just can’t bother with China’s breakthroughs or achievements anymore. My reactions to whatever breakthrough China makes nowadays is just an indifferent “so?” Because let’s be honest, how much of an impact is it really going to have? Is it going to change the fact that the world is an evil fascist place that is teetering towards destruction (or permanent fascist hegemony)? Is it going to change the fact that Israel is an unstoppable force due to being supported by damn near every country on the Earth?
I think about dying a lot. I think about the eternal peace death will finally bring me. That “hope” exists only to trick you into staying on this Earth, only to be disappointed when that hope doesn’t come to pass, and the world only gets worse instead. Death is an escape. Maybe the only way out is to realize that the world as we know is a scam. Everything is a scam. “Hope” tricks you into staying. Hope tricks you into investing into a future that will never come. Because it’s a scam. It’s all a fucking scam. The setup. Oh god the setup. It’s all set up for failure. It’s like this by design. Who designed this?
If you live, you live as a chew toy for fascists to laugh at. Why? Because they win and they don’t stop winning. If you die, they at least have one less chew toy to play with. Plus, you leave them in a dying world that they have to contend with, so who’s the real loser here? And even then, if they end up building their eternal paradise on earth (most likely possibility because the universe loves to rig things in the fascists’ favor every time), you at least won’t have to be alive to watch it happen.
And so I start fantasizing about jamming a knife into my throat repeatedly, or blowing my fucking brains out and having my bodily fluids splattered all over the room and making a huge fucking mess. A noose? Drug overdose? Nah nah nah those are too clean, not messy enough, not explosive enough. I need to make a mess. I need to send a message, something that says “I AM FREE. I AM FUCKING FREE!!! ENJOY LIVING IN THIS SHITHOLE WORLD ASSHOLES!!!” But I’m so scared of killing myself. Maybe it’s a mindeset thing. Maybe I gotta psyche myself up enough to do it. Make a show out of it.
Don’t call it a ‘suicide’ call it ‘rage-quitting from life’
Tell me, is civilization worth it if this is how it ended up? Mars and Venus and even fucking gas giants seem so peaceful, because there is no evil being perpetrated by humanity there. And now fuckers like Elon Musk want to infect other planets and ruin that peace.
I’m crashing out so hard I might make more posts in this comm in quick succession but I don’t want to look like i’m spamming.
I don’t think your logic is fucked frankly, it makes sense to me. The only thing I disagree with is that I think killing yourself is still giving the fascists a win. They don’t want you in their world anyway, you ending yourself just saves them the work of doing it themselves.
I fully empathize with the lack of hope, for me mainly about the climate. On the fascism side I can cling to the historical precedent that fascists are eventually bound to lose, even if they’ll cause untold damage in the meantime, but with the climate I don’t have the same hope. I simply don’t see the world having anything close to the level of collective resolve that would be needed to avert a complete catastrophe, and we’re already maybe beyond the point of no return. Every year from now on that we spend battling fascism is one more year of collective effort not spend on avoiding irreparable damage to the world’s ecosystems. We’re waist deep in the rising waters, but we can’t swim to safety because there’s a guy coming at us with a knife, and by the time we’re done fighting him the water will be at our neck anyway.
I don’t really have any words of comfort for you here. I generally oscillate between the selfish and defeatist idea of just enjoying the little privilege I have while it lasts, and the idealistic one of going out fighting even if it’s hopeless. The problem with the latter idea is that frankly I have no idea how to. It turns out that studying history a lot has prepared me well to recognize the rise of fascism, but not to know how to fight back. The material conditions we live in today are so much different than in past iterations of fascism that there’s not a lot of actionable lessons I can learn from looking at past resistance movements. The grassroots activism I do feels increasingly pointless, and I don’t see any serious organized resistance movement I could join anywhere.
It’s bleak out here. The only real argument I can make against you doing it is, frankly, spite. Don’t give them the win. Stay alive to spite them.
I just don’t how much spite really affects them. I don’t think they have to expend any work for me to die anyways, the world continuing to deteriorate will do that for them.
Only thing keeping me alive so far are obligations to others and personal ambitions. Once those are gone, I don’t know if I can really keep going.
If there’s one thing I want to do before I die, I want finish those personal ambitions. Create a world of my own. A better world that can only exist in fiction. One where the rules are different, where the setup isn’t so hopeless. A world that we were robbed of. At first I wanted to write something more cynical and bleak, but my hopelessless in real life convinced me to turn it in a more optimistic direction. Because this world deserves a future. I don’t want to just recreate the shithole world we live in, even people call it “unrealistic” or whatever. Who cares? I’m making the fucking rules.