I can’t bear to look at the state of this world anymore. We’re not starting from square one, we’re starting from square negative fucking one hundred. There’s a time limit to improving this world and stopping things from getting worse, but we’re either nearing it or already past it. Palestine was a major litmus test for this world, and the world has failed the test miserably. If there was some sort of consequence for failing the test, and if it were merciful, it would have wiped humanity off the face of the planet in an instant, not let it drag on like this…
I just can’t bother with China’s breakthroughs or achievements anymore. My reactions to whatever breakthrough China makes nowadays is just an indifferent “so?” Because let’s be honest, how much of an impact is it really going to have? Is it going to change the fact that the world is an evil fascist place that is teetering towards destruction (or permanent fascist hegemony)? Is it going to change the fact that Israel is an unstoppable force due to being supported by damn near every country on the Earth?
I think about dying a lot. I think about the eternal peace death will finally bring me. That “hope” exists only to trick you into staying on this Earth, only to be disappointed when that hope doesn’t come to pass, and the world only gets worse instead. Death is an escape. Maybe the only way out is to realize that the world as we know is a scam. Everything is a scam. “Hope” tricks you into staying. Hope tricks you into investing into a future that will never come. Because it’s a scam. It’s all a fucking scam. The setup. Oh god the setup. It’s all set up for failure. It’s like this by design. Who designed this?
If you live, you live as a chew toy for fascists to laugh at. Why? Because they win and they don’t stop winning. If you die, they at least have one less chew toy to play with. Plus, you leave them in a dying world that they have to contend with, so who’s the real loser here? And even then, if they end up building their eternal paradise on earth (most likely possibility because the universe loves to rig things in the fascists’ favor every time), you at least won’t have to be alive to watch it happen.
And so I start fantasizing about jamming a knife into my throat repeatedly, or blowing my fucking brains out and having my bodily fluids splattered all over the room and making a huge fucking mess. A noose? Drug overdose? Nah nah nah those are too clean, not messy enough, not explosive enough. I need to make a mess. I need to send a message, something that says “I AM FREE. I AM FUCKING FREE!!! ENJOY LIVING IN THIS SHITHOLE WORLD ASSHOLES!!!” But I’m so scared of killing myself. Maybe it’s a mindeset thing. Maybe I gotta psyche myself up enough to do it. Make a show out of it.
Don’t call it a ‘suicide’ call it ‘rage-quitting from life’
Tell me, is civilization worth it if this is how it ended up? Mars and Venus and even fucking gas giants seem so peaceful, because there is no evil being perpetrated by humanity there. And now fuckers like Elon Musk want to infect other planets and ruin that peace.
I’m crashing out so hard I might make more posts in this comm in quick succession but I don’t want to look like i’m spamming.
I think about killing myself all the time, but I think about drowning fascists just a little more often.
I get where you are coming from, and I know this genocide backdrop has been eating my soul off and on as it’s been happening.
Obviously the others here are right with their kind words and your deep empathy is admirable even if it hurts.
I only have one suggestion, and I don’t suggest actually doing this. If you do make that call, don’t make it meaningless. Take a little bit of the bastards down with you. Don’t do their work for them.
I don’t think your logic is fucked frankly, it makes sense to me. The only thing I disagree with is that I think killing yourself is still giving the fascists a win. They don’t want you in their world anyway, you ending yourself just saves them the work of doing it themselves.
I fully empathize with the lack of hope, for me mainly about the climate. On the fascism side I can cling to the historical precedent that fascists are eventually bound to lose, even if they’ll cause untold damage in the meantime, but with the climate I don’t have the same hope. I simply don’t see the world having anything close to the level of collective resolve that would be needed to avert a complete catastrophe, and we’re already maybe beyond the point of no return. Every year from now on that we spend battling fascism is one more year of collective effort not spend on avoiding irreparable damage to the world’s ecosystems. We’re waist deep in the rising waters, but we can’t swim to safety because there’s a guy coming at us with a knife, and by the time we’re done fighting him the water will be at our neck anyway.
I don’t really have any words of comfort for you here. I generally oscillate between the selfish and defeatist idea of just enjoying the little privilege I have while it lasts, and the idealistic one of going out fighting even if it’s hopeless. The problem with the latter idea is that frankly I have no idea how to. It turns out that studying history a lot has prepared me well to recognize the rise of fascism, but not to know how to fight back. The material conditions we live in today are so much different than in past iterations of fascism that there’s not a lot of actionable lessons I can learn from looking at past resistance movements. The grassroots activism I do feels increasingly pointless, and I don’t see any serious organized resistance movement I could join anywhere.
It’s bleak out here. The only real argument I can make against you doing it is, frankly, spite. Don’t give them the win. Stay alive to spite them.
I just don’t how much spite really affects them. I don’t think they have to expend any work for me to die anyways, the world continuing to deteriorate will do that for them.
Only thing keeping me alive so far are obligations to others and personal ambitions. Once those are gone, I don’t know if I can really keep going.
If there’s one thing I want to do before I die, I want finish those personal ambitions. Create a world of my own. A better world that can only exist in fiction. One where the rules are different, where the setup isn’t so hopeless. A world that we were robbed of. At first I wanted to write something more cynical and bleak, but my hopelessless in real life convinced me to turn it in a more optimistic direction. Because this world deserves a future. I don’t want to just recreate the shithole world we live in, even people call it “unrealistic” or whatever. Who cares? I’m making the fucking rules.
You are worthy of love and of happiness and of life. Even when you don’t feel like you are. Especially when you don’t feel like you are.
It keeps nagging at me. It feels irresponsible to enjoy anything in life, to just go about life when the world is being awful. As if I’m just passively “accepting” the state of affairs.
It’s not though. You aren’t accepting the state of affairs by recognizing them, struggling with them, and also still allowing yourself to live and enjoy things outside of them. Both can be true. Dialectics in action I guess? The world can be shit and you can see that and you can still find joy in the little moments between. That’s what I try to do anyway
be kind to yourselfMy fucked up logic is telling me that killing myself is being kind. Why continue to subject myself to this awful world? Why continue to be a prisoner?
Elon Musk might get run over by a speeding cybertruck on live television tomorrow
My fucked up logic is telling me that killing myself is being kind
I’ve been dealing with this exact thought for 6 months now (though for a different reason than you, more personal than global) and I cannot find an argument against it in my case. I am only still alive and suffering because if / when I die, it will transfer the incurable torture I am being subjected to onto my family and friends. Death may be a kindness for the individual, but it tortures the survivors who love and miss that individual. I have tried to speak with my loved ones and prepare them for my death by getting them to understand that for me, death would be a mercy, and they should be glad when I die, but nobody listens and even those who see my point are still sad at the prospect of me no longer being in their lives. My inability to protect them from the torture of grief has kept me going because I am trying to stave off inflicting that torture upon my loved ones. Do you have anyone in your life whom you love whom you want to protect from the unbearable grief of losing a loved one to suicide?
As far as sticking it to the fascists goes, suicide isn’t the way to do that. Fascists gloat when people they deem removed kill ourselves. They want a world where we don’t exist, and killing ourselves is a victory for them. As far as not being a chew toy for the fascists goes, we can oppose them more by living than by dying. A dead person can’t break a fascist’s nose in a streetfight (because if we can’t beat fascism outright, we can at least hurt individual fascists for revenge). A dead person can’t cyberbully and doxx fascists into feeling unsafe. A dead person can’t help other people, can’t ameliorate anyone else’s suffering, can’t shelter family or friends or strangers in the community from the harms that fascism does.
Some months ago a comrade told me not to kill myself because we need as many leftists around to be part of the community and culture as possible, that even if I’m too cripplingly depressed to go out protesting anymore, there’s still value in just being around to talk with other leftists and provide emotional support. Paltry as it is, even these online connections are something. Going to movie nights and chatting with people has taken the edge off my perpetual suffering in this past half year. Just a little, but enough that it’s one of the few things I feel any positive anticipation for. We post online and never know who was touched and helped by seeing there’s a likeminded person out there, that we aren’t quite as alone as we feel.
I think about the eternal peace death will finally bring me.
I’ve thought about this too and I came to realize something: What I want is peace, happiness even, and Death is not that. Death would end my suffering, but it would also make it so that the very last thing I ever feel is sheer, utter Torment. Just as sleep is not a passive thing, nor is Peace. Peace is not just the absence of suffering, but the presence of contentment. And it is impossible to feel that, or anything else, after death. Similarly, no, planets devoid of life are not peaceful. Peace is something that requires life to experience.
But I’m so scared of killing myself
Same.
. I’ve come very close to it but even though I feel it is the only option left, the least bad thing for me, there’s something frightening about going through with it that pulls me back at the last minute. There’s an inherent drive in most living creatures to survive. Listen to that fear, for a while longer at least.I can’t bear to look at the state of this world anymore
It’s ok to take a step back and try to focus on building something in your life that brings you comfort and happiness instead. It’s not immoral to find happiness in a sick world.
Make a show out of it. There’s a reason lone wolf adventurism is largely a right wing tactic. It’s individualistic and largely ineffective and I’d caution you against that because the hammer comes down on survivors. For example, I heard from a comrade that Willem Von Spronson’s attempt to burn down ICE vehicles brought the hammer down on activist networks out there and had an overwhelmingly negative impact while achieving basically nothing.
Your sentiments are very understandable. Please think about whether there’s anything else in your life that is distressing you, or that you feel is lacking, and see if you can find some happiness or something to enjoy in life. If you do rage-quit from life that’s your choice, but imo it should be the very last resort and should basically be something people are forced into, not something people jump to.
In my opinion, the reasons you have laid out for killing yourself are valid reasons to suffer, but they are not sufficient to go through with self-annihilation If it’s because you’re angry and hateful that fascism is winning and keeps winning, there are more productive ways to harness that righteous anger than doing the fascists’ work for them. If it’s because it hurts to look at the awful state of the world, then take a break from looking for a bit and see if there’s anything more productive you can do with your time and energy. Witnessing and suffering without acting is pointles self-flagellation. Help someone out, if you can – it’s still “pointless” in the grand scheme in that nothing any of us do will defeat fascism, but it makes a real difference to someone, and that’s not nothing.
