Y’know, when I signed up for this back in June I had grand plans for some grand writeup on the domestically produced unmagnified gunsights of Cuba. I had collected images and info and sources but I lost sight of it as life stuff happened and my time for the trans mega snuck up on me.
Que sera sera.
Anyways, today felt like the first whisper (you have no idea how hard I just thought about the ideal word for this metaphor) of autumn and that put me in the mood for one of my favorite autumnal albums. More Constant Than the Gods by SubRosa is a really lovely doom? sludge? metal album. I like how big it sounds. The lead vocalist is a really talented lady, and its got violins, also the lyrics talk about dying and stuff and I’m into that. Its very fall-y to me, as is Standard Time Volume 1 by Wynton Marsalis, but for extremely different reasons.
The funny thing is that, like the poster of the previous mega it is also my 5th transiversary, I started HRT half a decade ago today (ok technically it was the 17th but I’m gonna count it since thats when I started writing this). Now, I don’t think that taking HRT was what made me “officially trans”, rather it was the degree of self acceptance required to get to that point. It’s a long story, and one I prefer to share privately, but it took a very, very long time before my fear and desperation gave me the strength to allow myself to have this. I think it all turned out pretty well, I experience existence in much higher fidelity, I’m this whole person, along with everything that entails.
I feel very blessed to be transgender.
I hope you all stay safe and have a good, or atleast tolerable week.
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So, nothing is wrong about having that kind of fantasy or a kink. It doesn’t make you less of a person or broken if thats what gets you off. There’s no need to feel guilty about mere fantasy especially something thats really less uncommon than you might think (why do you think the comics exist). Obviously you can’t really go through getting murdered to get off in real life but you can still explore some parts of those fantasies in a very safe way with a partner (that you vet, who is trustworthy, who knows consent and abides by it, etc etc). Some RACK real life stuff can feel heightened enough when youre deep in subspace that it might scratch the same itch, blood play, piercing play, suspensions, impact play, etc.
Its interesting that you analyze some of what’s you mentioned as feeling undesirable. I usually think of CNC (consensual non consent/r*pe fantasy whatever) for the bottom as being about being so desirable that the top in the scene breaks some very serious taboos and laws and morals just to get a proverbial taste in addition to the fantasy of depowerment or feeling helpless. For the tops that are into it, its more about control over even your scene partners ability to say no - which even that is negotiated and the bottom can still always red out any time (this is play pretend sex lol).
A “fixed” mind for you, if you’ll allow me to speculate, is probably more about integrating that part of yourself and treasuring it like anything else rather than trying to cut it off or saying youre fucked up for having it. Having fantasies like that has nothing to say about you position on political economy, feminism, egalitarianism, liberation - its just about a way that you like to get off that works for you particularly well. Its probably healthier for you to think of yourself as a psychotic pervert than to think of yourself as undesirable and fundamentally broken - Id only say that it might feel like youre the only person with the same kinks but its way less uncommon than it might feel and you can find someone who matches your freak (safely).
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Thanks for the kind words.
I just think that E is making my emotions out of control and it’s causing all my insecurities to resurface. I feel like a teenager again in all the bad ways. And this time I’m even away from my little brother who was my only emotional support.
As for your analysis of top/bottom dynamics? That’s a much better way of thinking about things but it is hard for me to be in that mindset. I guess I just gotta try harder.