Thank you. And I’ve discovered something else today that might help me. I’ve been trying to go vegan for ages, but I’ve developed so many food intolerances that it’s been really difficult. I cut out all red meat decades ago, and have developed an intolerance to eggs, so they’re gone. But I’ve still been eating chicken and fish and I really wanted to stop, especially the chicken because I don’t want to contribute to factory farming. But whenever I try and replace it with extra vegetables, I get gastric issues. Today I found out about FODMAPs and it turns out I’ve been eating high-FODMAP veggies like mushrooms and broccoli. If I switch to low-FODMAP ones like carrots and courgettes I might be able to increase my veg intake without getting sicker. And I’ve been putting my food intake into cron o meter and I think I might just have to give up trying to be totally vegan and accept eating a bit of fish each day to meet my nutrient requirements. At least it’s not factory farmed, I suppose. So I’m going to swap chicken for fish and change the veg I’m eating and see if I feel any better. Of course, there are mercury concerns with fish but apparently white fish is OK every day. Sainsburys does bags of frozen white fish quite cheap, I will try those.

I feel a renewed determination to try and improve my health because I’ve found a “hobby” (not the right word but can’t think of a better one) that I want to get into. Many years ago I read The Mists of Avalon and absolutely loved it. It’s about Pagan priestesses living on the isle of Avalon together, along with Merlin the Druid, learning magic. Ever since then, I have really wanted to live like that but I thought there was no chance. But I recently found out that there has been a Druid revival and there’s a thing called The Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, and you can literally do a course to become a Druid and join the organisation. I am really keen on this idea, and for the first time in ages I have a bit of hope that I might be able to improve my life at least a little. At least to no longer feel relentless, crushing hopelessness and misery with nothing in my future but su1c1d£.

My mood always goes up and down drastically, I sometimes find myself keen on an idea but then difficulties arise with it or I end up too unwell to go through with it, so maybe I will give up on this but right now I feel really keen on trying to improve my health as much as possible and if I win my benefit appeal I will use some of the backpay to do the Druid course. If only my tendon would heal up and I could walk outside for more than 5 minutes at a time that would be a huge help too.

EDIT: No, I can’t do it. I need to find a way to be vegan. Everything inside me is telling me to.