I feel like I'm crashing out 🫠 (CW for SA, horny, unhinged rambling)
About a month ago I switched from prescribed estradiol patches to DIY injections. This didn’t happen purely on a whim, the clinic I get my prescription from abruptly canceled GAC for all patients, even adults, right after I picked up my last prescription. They did reverse this decision pretty quickly, but at the time (and a bit before it happened, and even now) I had in my mind that I couldn’t and shouldn’t rely on institutional channels to get HRT because of the people currently in charge of the US federal government. So luckily I bought a bit of DIY injectable estradiol and injection supplies in time before my prescription ran out. I was on patches for about 3 months up to this point.
As I said, I switched about 3, almost 4 weeks ago, and things were fine for the first, let’s say 2.5 weeks. I felt about the same as I did on patches, maybe even a bit better. But about a week ago I noticed my libido, which had been pretty low on patches, started to increase. Initially I though it was just the “girl horny” that comes with being on estradiol, that maybe it could even be a sign that injections really are better than patches. But it’s persisted over a week later, and I feel like it’s fucked with my mental/emotional state much more than being on all natural home grown T for decades did. No matter how much I try to “satisfy” the urges it’s always there in the background. And for better or worse being like this for such an extended period unearthed old trauma. One thing I’ll say is that chest pain is mostly gone, which I think means it’s lower?
CW for SA
I’ve never told anyone this until now, but I was sexually abused repeatedly at a young age. I won’t get into details since it’s not important, but even though the thought of it has come up at other points in my life, for the first time I realized how deeply it has affected how I relate to other people and how I view myself. I’ve always been extremely secretive and guarded. I don’t remember ever fully trusting anyone, and I think it’s one of the big reasons I repressed myself for so long, having to prove to myself and others that it didn’t affect me (it did) and that I’m just a Normal Boy who would grow up to be a Normal Man. When my egg first cracked a yearish ago, part of why I wanted to transition is that I realized that there’s nothing I want more than to be comfortable enough with myself to be open enough to have sexual relationships. I had romantic partners when I was younger, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to initiate anything sexual. For a while I thought that transitioning would help, and while it might be a factor, it’s not the biggest obstacle.
I also realized I’ve been carrying a sense of guilt over it this whole time, from not doing anything to stop it. It only ended when someone else they were abusing reported them.
(borderline ableism CW?) Lately I’ve been reading a novel where one of the characters gets SA’d, and the narrator explains that part of why it happened is that the abuser perceived the victim as “slow” (to put it politely, the author uses a more colloquial word 😬), and now I’m wondering if other people perceive me that way, and maybe that’s why it happened to me. Or maybe I didn’t say anything because on some level I liked it.
On a third note, I feel a sense of survivor’s guilt about it? Like it wasn’t as bad as some of the other SA stories I’ve heard over the years, so it’s pathetic for me to feel this fucked up about it decades later.
So I guess the most straightforward solution would be to go get my hormones levels tested, maybe get back on prescription, and to get a mental health therapist specializing in the stuff I’m dealing with. Unfortunately I currently don’t have health insurance (or any income tbh - I have a decent amount of savings but I’d like to slow the rate of burning through it as much as I can since I don’t know when I can get a job again) so I don’t think I’ll be able to easily justify these costs. Typing it out just now makes me realize how fucked up this rationalization sounds but what can I say, This Is America. I can maybe justify paying out of pocket to get hormone levels tested at some point, but I’d like to wait at least a few weeks more since from what I know, it’s typical for hormone levels to dip for a bit when switching medication types. I want to space out healthcare spending as much as I can, since out of pocket costs can run into the hundreds per visit. Therapy to me is a messier subject, since to my knowledge it’s very hit or miss.
I just don’t know what to do or where I’m going with any of this only thing I know is I’m fucked up 🙃
I feel like I'm crashing out 🫠 (CW for SA, horny, unhinged rambling)
About a month ago I switched from prescribed estradiol patches to DIY injections. This didn’t happen purely on a whim, the clinic I get my prescription from abruptly canceled GAC for all patients, even adults, right after I picked up my last prescription. They did reverse this decision pretty quickly, but at the time (and a bit before it happened, and even now) I had in my mind that I couldn’t and shouldn’t rely on institutional channels to get HRT because of the people currently in charge of the US federal government. So luckily I bought a bit of DIY injectable estradiol and injection supplies in time before my prescription ran out. I was on patches for about 3 months up to this point.
As I said, I switched about 3, almost 4 weeks ago, and things were fine for the first, let’s say 2.5 weeks. I felt about the same as I did on patches, maybe even a bit better. But about a week ago I noticed my libido, which had been pretty low on patches, started to increase. Initially I though it was just the “girl horny” that comes with being on estradiol, that maybe it could even be a sign that injections really are better than patches. But it’s persisted over a week later, and I feel like it’s fucked with my mental/emotional state much more than being on all natural home grown T for decades did. No matter how much I try to “satisfy” the urges it’s always there in the background. And for better or worse being like this for such an extended period unearthed old trauma. One thing I’ll say is that chest pain is mostly gone, which I think means it’s lower?
CW for SA
I’ve never told anyone this until now, but I was sexually abused repeatedly at a young age. I won’t get into details since it’s not important, but even though the thought of it has come up at other points in my life, for the first time I realized how deeply it has affected how I relate to other people and how I view myself. I’ve always been extremely secretive and guarded. I don’t remember ever fully trusting anyone, and I think it’s one of the big reasons I repressed myself for so long, having to prove to myself and others that it didn’t affect me (it did) and that I’m just a Normal Boy who would grow up to be a Normal Man. When my egg first cracked a yearish ago, part of why I wanted to transition is that I realized that there’s nothing I want more than to be comfortable enough with myself to be open enough to have sexual relationships. I had romantic partners when I was younger, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to initiate anything sexual. For a while I thought that transitioning would help, and while it might be a factor, it’s not the biggest obstacle.
I also realized I’ve been carrying a sense of guilt over it this whole time, from not doing anything to stop it. It only ended when someone else they were abusing reported them.
(borderline ableism CW?) Lately I’ve been reading a novel where one of the characters gets SA’d, and the narrator explains that part of why it happened is that the abuser perceived the victim as “slow” (to put it politely, the author uses a more colloquial word 😬), and now I’m wondering if other people perceive me that way, and maybe that’s why it happened to me. Or maybe I didn’t say anything because on some level I liked it.
On a third note, I feel a sense of survivor’s guilt about it? Like it wasn’t as bad as some of the other SA stories I’ve heard over the years, so it’s pathetic for me to feel this fucked up about it decades later.
So I guess the most straightforward solution would be to go get my hormones levels tested, maybe get back on prescription, and to get a mental health therapist specializing in the stuff I’m dealing with. Unfortunately I currently don’t have health insurance (or any income tbh - I have a decent amount of savings but I’d like to slow the rate of burning through it as much as I can since I don’t know when I can get a job again) so I don’t think I’ll be able to easily justify these costs. Typing it out just now makes me realize how fucked up this rationalization sounds but what can I say, This Is America. I can maybe justify paying out of pocket to get hormone levels tested at some point, but I’d like to wait at least a few weeks more since from what I know, it’s typical for hormone levels to dip for a bit when switching medication types. I want to space out healthcare spending as much as I can, since out of pocket costs can run into the hundreds per visit. Therapy to me is a messier subject, since to my knowledge it’s very hit or miss.
I just don’t know what to do or where I’m going with any of this
only thing I know is I’m fucked up 🙃