Made this one somewhat last minute, but here goes- my reccomendations for this week are a yuri “mystery” VN that’s near and dear to my heart (that goes into processing grief) though it’s been a while since I last played it, and a cute and sloppy (not bad sloppy) manga about crossdressing (and if you ask me is honestly at least kinda genderfuckery).
I figured I’d also add BonnieBugsy’s “Ranma Lazuli” fanfic series (available on Ao3) to make it a triple feature because why the hell not. The two fics I can recommend (not having completed the other large fic yet though I’m sure it would deserve equal recommendation) are pretty near and dear to me as well.
CONTENT WARNINGS
SeaBed: processing grief Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy: some chapters, particularly the extras, can be particularly suggestive/R18+ Ranma Lazuli: for the two fanfics specifically I’m discussing, “Skies of Blue, Red Roses Too” covers dysphoria and abusive family circumstances, with the premise of the titular Ranma escaping these and finding a place where she can be and grow into herself. “I of the Storm,” in contrast, deals with the abusive and unhealthy dynamics of that “place where nothing ever gets better” from the perspective of someone still living within it- Akane- who herself, also has to deal with her anger and the consequences of (being a victim, but also perpetrator of) abuse, apathy, and past mistakes, while moving past that environment herself.
Premise and things I liked about (SeaBed)
Sachiko and Takako were childhood friends and lovers, but unknown circumstances tore them apart. Now they have to piece together the puzzle, as Sachiko keeps hallucinating about Takako, and Takako deals with memory issues of her own.
Personally, Seabed can come across as a bit of a slog (but in a good way- and in a way appropriate to the themes of grief, of mental processing and memory issues, etc). And it can be very heavy. I played it during a time when I was dealing with grief among other things myself and I loved it- I intend to play it again someday (ideally soon), but needless to say it won’t be for everyone.
Premise and things I liked about (Handsome Girl and Crossdressing Boy)
Admittedly, this is just comfy, queer (IMO), somewhat suggestive (YMMV, if it were just up to me I’d not even consider it NSFW but it’s definitely toeing a line and considering cultural and even circumstantial differences of different online spaces- well yea) and sappy light-hearted romance. Iori is a crossdressing boy(? very eggy if you ask me), and Hazuki is a handsome girl. Needless to say gender is a fuck.
The extra chapters (generally noticeable as something like “chapter 23.5” instead of being an outright “chapter 23” for instance) can be even moreso questionably/maybe “NSFW/18+” (though if you ask me that’s all “western puritanism and backwardness/regressiveness” which they then infected many other parts of the world with)
Premise and things I liked about (BonnieBugsy's 'Ranma Lazuli' fanfic series)
The two “Ranma Lazuli” fics I can recommend (the others I either haven’t read yet or are very short) are both what I would describe as “coming of age/graduation(?)” plots, wherein Ranma moves from her abusive, overwhelming, demanding upbringing to the welcoming and progressive Beach City from Steven Universe (no knowledge of either series is necessary IMO to enjoy these fics, that said) and is finally able to develop within such a healthier environment, and Akane comes to terms with and breaks free of the fallout and that unhealthy environment in her own way, in her own separate life.
Both fics, I feel, correlate with my own defining experiences on many levels- whether it be Ranma’s growth and the liberating feeling of finding a positive, comfy space and escaping the small, shitty, abusive world she was raised in prior, or in Akane’s own growth and rejection of that same small world, as well as the permanence of one’s actions having come from and having been a part of what made that world so small and unhealthy to begin with, and growing past that and coming to terms with it.
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I feel like I'm crashing out 🫠 (CW for SA, horny, unhinged rambling)
About a month ago I switched from prescribed estradiol patches to DIY injections. This didn’t happen purely on a whim, the clinic I get my prescription from abruptly canceled GAC for all patients, even adults, right after I picked up my last prescription. They did reverse this decision pretty quickly, but at the time (and a bit before it happened, and even now) I had in my mind that I couldn’t and shouldn’t rely on institutional channels to get HRT because of the people currently in charge of the US federal government. So luckily I bought a bit of DIY injectable estradiol and injection supplies in time before my prescription ran out. I was on patches for about 3 months up to this point.
As I said, I switched about 3, almost 4 weeks ago, and things were fine for the first, let’s say 2.5 weeks. I felt about the same as I did on patches, maybe even a bit better. But about a week ago I noticed my libido, which had been pretty low on patches, started to increase. Initially I though it was just the “girl horny” that comes with being on estradiol, that maybe it could even be a sign that injections really are better than patches. But it’s persisted over a week later, and I feel like it’s fucked with my mental/emotional state much more than being on all natural home grown T for decades did. No matter how much I try to “satisfy” the urges it’s always there in the background. And for better or worse being like this for such an extended period unearthed old trauma. One thing I’ll say is that chest pain is mostly gone, which I think means it’s lower?
CW for SA
I’ve never told anyone this until now, but I was sexually abused repeatedly at a young age. I won’t get into details since it’s not important, but even though the thought of it has come up at other points in my life, for the first time I realized how deeply it has affected how I relate to other people and how I view myself. I’ve always been extremely secretive and guarded. I don’t remember ever fully trusting anyone, and I think it’s one of the big reasons I repressed myself for so long, having to prove to myself and others that it didn’t affect me (it did) and that I’m just a Normal Boy who would grow up to be a Normal Man. When my egg first cracked a yearish ago, part of why I wanted to transition is that I realized that there’s nothing I want more than to be comfortable enough with myself to be open enough to have sexual relationships. I had romantic partners when I was younger, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to initiate anything sexual. For a while I thought that transitioning would help, and while it might be a factor, it’s not the biggest obstacle.
I also realized I’ve been carrying a sense of guilt over it this whole time, from not doing anything to stop it. It only ended when someone else they were abusing reported them.
(borderline ableism CW?) Lately I’ve been reading a novel where one of the characters gets SA’d, and the narrator explains that part of why it happened is that the abuser perceived the victim as “slow” (to put it politely, the author uses a more colloquial word 😬), and now I’m wondering if other people perceive me that way, and maybe that’s why it happened to me. Or maybe I didn’t say anything because on some level I liked it.
On a third note, I feel a sense of survivor’s guilt about it? Like it wasn’t as bad as some of the other SA stories I’ve heard over the years, so it’s pathetic for me to feel this fucked up about it decades later.
So I guess the most straightforward solution would be to go get my hormones levels tested, maybe get back on prescription, and to get a mental health therapist specializing in the stuff I’m dealing with. Unfortunately I currently don’t have health insurance (or any income tbh - I have a decent amount of savings but I’d like to slow the rate of burning through it as much as I can since I don’t know when I can get a job again) so I don’t think I’ll be able to easily justify these costs. Typing it out just now makes me realize how fucked up this rationalization sounds but what can I say, This Is America. I can maybe justify paying out of pocket to get hormone levels tested at some point, but I’d like to wait at least a few weeks more since from what I know, it’s typical for hormone levels to dip for a bit when switching medication types. I want to space out healthcare spending as much as I can, since out of pocket costs can run into the hundreds per visit. Therapy to me is a messier subject, since to my knowledge it’s very hit or miss.
I just don’t know what to do or where I’m going with any of this
only thing I know is I’m fucked up 🙃
horny bit
It’s possible your T levels aren’t as suppressed on the DIY stuff and that’s why you’re feeling more twitterpatted lol. Maybe you’re feeling more safe in general, you’ve got this grey market stuff you can break out when you need it even if the healthcare system decides it doesn’t want to provide you with HRT, maybe youre just in a safer headspace or life circumstances have become less chaotic. Whatever is going on, maybe feeling safer is letting those feelings come more to the foreground. Or, yeah, maybe this is just how you respond to E by this route and dose. Personally, the higher the E I took the more weepy I became and more I cried - it was prog that made me horny as fuck.
Maybe you gotta look into methods of self love (like masturbation) trans women are sometimes more into - pending how youre feeling about things below the other spoiler. Have you read Fucking Trans Women? Might have some stuff in there you might find helpful or new. Part of estrogenized sexuality, to me and the people I’ve loved, is you have to think you’re hot and beautiful or it doesn’t work as well - and its slower and ramps up vs the old pre HRT of “okay gotta get this crap out of the way gimme a couple minutes” that was more like a rote chore.
CW SA
That’s so awful that all happened to you. No point judging degrees, you don’t live their lives and you still have your trauma to carry anyway. It makes sense you learned survival techniques like depersonalization, decentering yourself, never trusting someone - but it sounds like those old ways to survive are now getting in the way of you living a life you’d prefer and would likely make you happier.
Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Abusers target people they think are weak or won’t talk, that’s what the novel was likely talking about - not that people who are abused actually are.
It’s a tough balancing act of rationing out your money to food, rent, and also healthcare. I know a person who used her rent money for therapy - and she found it very helpful and would do the same again, because she says she had to keep living in her own head. She lucked out and didn’t become homeless, she had friends who could pitch in and an understanding landlord. Saying that, it’s easy to say on this side it was the choice she would make again because she just had to skip meals for a few weeks and had people watching out for her - your circumstances could be very different. And I suspect you’ll need many more sessions to unwind the stuff you wanna unwind and deal with it effectively.
I know therapy can get a bad rap because there are some shitty therapists out there, but there are also a lot of people with poor insight into their own mental health (from what you’ve written, this is not you) - you’re very limited in what you get out of it if you’re not willing to engage with or take seriously therapy. Also you can and should fire therapists you don’t get along with or don’t vibe with, you’re not hurting their feelings.
Maybe for now you can keep a journal and, I dunno, join a trans support group IRL? Just anything that let’s you meet someone people in similar circumstances where you can have some face-fo-face peer-to-peer support that’s free.
CW SA
The SA I experienced as a child is also the reason why I only recently realised I’m trans. It fucks with your development in so many ways, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this as well.
I understand the need to find an explanation for why it happened but please don’t look at yourself as the reason, there’s a reason why we call it victim blaming and it’s because you did nothing wrong, the perpetrator did. I also never spoke about my SA until recently and I never brought justice to the perpetrators. It’s just how it is. Most adults aren’t equipped to deal with SA, let alone a child. You did nothing wrong, you didn’t ask for it and you didn’t deserve it.
Feel free to message me if you want to talk about this. I’m really sorry you can’t get the healthcare you need currently.