Y’know, when I signed up for this back in June I had grand plans for some grand writeup on the domestically produced unmagnified gunsights of Cuba. I had collected images and info and sources but I lost sight of it as life stuff happened and my time for the trans mega snuck up on me.
Que sera sera.
Anyways, today felt like the first whisper (you have no idea how hard I just thought about the ideal word for this metaphor) of autumn and that put me in the mood for one of my favorite autumnal albums. More Constant Than the Gods by SubRosa is a really lovely doom? sludge? metal album. I like how big it sounds. The lead vocalist is a really talented lady, and its got violins, also the lyrics talk about dying and stuff and I’m into that. Its very fall-y to me, as is Standard Time Volume 1 by Wynton Marsalis, but for extremely different reasons.
The funny thing is that, like the poster of the previous mega it is also my 5th transiversary, I started HRT half a decade ago today (ok technically it was the 17th but I’m gonna count it since thats when I started writing this). Now, I don’t think that taking HRT was what made me “officially trans”, rather it was the degree of self acceptance required to get to that point. It’s a long story, and one I prefer to share privately, but it took a very, very long time before my fear and desperation gave me the strength to allow myself to have this. I think it all turned out pretty well, I experience existence in much higher fidelity, I’m this whole person, along with everything that entails.
I feel very blessed to be transgender.
I hope you all stay safe and have a good, or atleast tolerable week.
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The good: Girl at work said I reminded her of Ariel
the bad (dysphoria + envy + dwelling)
Got kinda in my head earlier and upset about the fact I’ll never get to look like how other women my age look. The experiences either- idk its probably viewed as “immature” or whatever but idk. I sleptwalked through the last 6~ years and I feel like I missed out. And even looking forward, obviously it will take a will for hrt to do its thing. So its not even really like I get the next few.
slightly worse
Low key don’t feel like I’m ever going to get to be attractive and that is very sad to me.
That already got kinda ugly at the end so I’m not going to worm post, second good thing is my check is going to be fuckin fat. Wish I could do this every week
spoiler
the feeling of never getting to be my ideal self- yes I know most people don’t get it perfect but much closer. Feeling dysphoric and upset today.
I honestly think about this all the time myself. I have a larger frame and shoulder width I worry is too “masculine” and that I’ll never properly pass, and I have other traits that also won’t make it easy.
A couple of things that help me at least though:
Looking at transition timelines others have posted on social media. I’ll often find people that looked like me as male presenting, or used to have pretty heavy masculine features, but have turned it around and are totally passing. Sometimes I’ll even see helpful tips from these people.
Ok this is probably kind of pathetic and I’m not sure if unhealthy, but I’ll also use FaceApp or similar apps to generate images of me that look amazing. Of course this is AI but I do think it shows what can be achieved with the right hair and makeup, and gives me some hope that I can one day make myself look that way. If I can get at least partway there, I’d be pretty happy with myself I think.