I love sleeping, honk-shoo is so goated.
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
spoiler
I know I’m not special, I don’t know why I couldn’t. It never seemed like an option. I didn’t realize what my thoughts meant. I never feel like I can do anything. I don’t deserve it and it probably wouldn’t work out.
I feel fragmented inside. Like a porcelain vase that’s been glued together after shattering.
I feel afraid some part inside me is tricking the other.
I do wish I had been born a girl.
I always thought if I was just more successful as a guy and masculine enough I would finally feel better. I didn’t know I was already supposed to feel like a man. It’s always felt like something I had to work towards.
There was a significant period of my life where I was trying out girly shit (ex - nail polish, lipstick, women’s underwear, sex toys aimed for women, etc) and I didn’t even conceive of myself as trans.
When that idea first appeared in my head, I felt shocked, even though I really shouldn’t have been. I had the same thoughts as you. I thought I was simply a failure at being male so I wanted to change sides. I also feel highly dissociative and fragmented. I’ve felt that I’ve had multiple personalities, or broken pieces inside me for a long time now.
My point is, if you are trans, everything you are going through right now is expected.
My personal suggestion is to try out some stereotypically girly things. It can be anything. It could even be as simple as using she/her pronouns. Experiment a little and it might help you clear up things.
I know it’s cliche but the fragmentation always makes me think of Kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery. Many of the pieces are truly beautiful, and I think the acceptance of breakage and repair being an integral part of an items history and story, is particularly poignant as well.
Yes that’s exactly what I meant and how I’ve felt. It’s like you can see inside my head. It’s like someone else knows what I’m talking about for once. I worry about all of that too.
I don’t know if this makes it better or worse, but your worries are essentially word for word what I went through in my head over the last five years. When Covid started I used exercise to regiment my day and I hoped the ensuing physical changes would alleviate some of the stress just being in my body. It didn’t, I got “hotter” by cis man standards, but still felt disconnected and developed more harmful coping mechanisms. I’ve been scared and worried about how I’m perceived since I gained independent consciousness. Transition doesn’t instantly make you beautiful, but for many it brings comfort and confidence that is impossible to construct when living a lie. I’m not even on hormones yet, have just started experimenting with presentation and pronouns, and it already feels more natural than the suit and tie cis masculinity I was performing before.
Most people don’t have these questions and are comfortable in their AGAB. They don’t agonize over it because being a man or a woman comes naturally to them. The people in this thread have had an experience much closer to yours. Can you identify your primary fear at the moment?
This makes it a lot better. I’ve felt exactly like you described for as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt like I was memorizing a book of rules on how to be a man. I’ve always thought that’s all I could be. Everyone in this thread has more understanding of how I feel than I’ve ever experienced before.
I’m afraid of everything. I think I’m terrified to actually be trans. It’s not an easy or quick process. I don’t know how I could exist in my world in that way. It doesn’t seem possible in my life. Which means I’ll always feel this schism until I rectify it.
I’m already a failure and disappointment to my old tradional parents. I don’t feel welcome at family gatherings now and don’t go but I could never go again.
It explains so many of my thoughts, feelings, the things that bother me. Obviously I wish I had been born a girl but I wasn’t. Life is a prison.
Is this why I’ve never ever liked any part of how I looked? I can’t embrace any of it. I hate my body so much.
This is extremely real. I started using she/her pronouns on here years ago but didn’t work up the nerve to actively take steps in my real life until a month ago, mostly out of fear of how hard it is. Even now I’ve accepted it will be months and years before I see any major changes and that the dangers are way greater for me and my partner. Being a big man is a shield. Being a big woman can be a target if people want to be assholes.
I felt so bad staying in that mode that I was drinking heavily to cope with what I now know was dysphoria. After I got sober, it became overwhelming. It hasn’t been easy telling people close to me. It’s been really hard to seek out medical treatment re hormones. But the relief I feel from picking a side in the schism is palpable, even though the only steps I’ve taken so far are mental.
Nobody here will tell you exactly how to feel. There are so many variations within the trans experience that nobody’s dysphoria will present identically. I coped with the bodily discomfort through apathy and disassociation, telling myself I didn’t particularly care about my body or clothes to avoid having to face how I really felt.
ButAnd also saying the phrase “I wish I had been born a girl but wasn’t” can be a pretty solid indicator that you may have a non-cis identity. Did you check out that website another user had posted?https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com/
I’ve gone to the site a few times now. I like how it makes me feel. It’s terrifying and difficult to accept too. I’ve cried a lot today. It’s like my whole world has been turned upside down.
Yeah it can be a little earth shattering. Luckily you’ve got at least one supportive community here. The site is just a test, like the button test, it’s not definitive, it’s more about your personal reaction to the words you’re reading, so I’m glad it resonated. It’s scary, it’s draining, it’s terrifying. Every day I bounce between excited and freaked out at what I’m doing, but I managed to book my HRT appointment today! I hope the process can bring you some comfort amid the other scary emotions