I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that’s what it’s about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes??? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I’m a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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spoiler
Well, I may as well feelings post again even though it doesn’t really matter. Meant to not.
negativity
I fucking hate being trans. I’d hate it in whatever magical, impossible scenario people make up, and what actually matters, in material reality. There is nothing good out of this. People who like it must be living a fundamentally experience then I am because no matter what good things I think about happening in my future, I still will not. I won’t if I move to a big city in a blue state, I won’t like it if I get srs, or ffs, or vfs. I won’t like it if I still manage to find a partner, I won’t like it if I still manage to get a job. It will never be a positive thing, or even a neutral thing, it will always have downsides and trauma and everything else. And I obviously, obviously, do not know how to cope with this reality. I have been putting up with it for what, like a good year now? And still nada. Even with such obvious and unexpected good things potentially in the future. It still fucking sucks and I still hate it and I still can’t deal with it. Fuck me.
dysphoria, misgendering, euphoria
Its such a short amount of time and you’ve only taken a few steps in, it will all take time.
I do appreciate that its hard and has been very difficult for you. I feel conflicted because I think trans bodies are beautiful, non passing or clockable or passing - and yet, I wanna do a lot like FFS and bottom surgery and HRT all in the effort to look more femme and pass. Although, I guess its not really about passing? Its about liking how I look and feeling at home in my body.
I think youre still dealing with very intense depression and its going to warp how you think, its not going to let you see an optimistic future where things are better and its going to warp what the future even is into a distant fuzzy impossible distant place instead of something you have control over. It’s also going to make you have these all-or-nothing or whatever on things that actually will be quite positive for you. It actually will almost certainly improve your life to get bottom surgery and voice training and whatever else, you actually will almost certainly be quite happy with boobs and a more femme figure, but it will seem impossible because of dealing with depression. I, personally, think your life will be better in a more accepting place which might mean a big city and a blue state and having roommates you’re out with where you can be yourself at home. It is objectively true that with a job you will be better, now subjectively thats what you feel.
I think part of the deal is you still have to (willingly or not or whatever) be closeted with the people you live with and probably get misgendered on the daily, hourly, in addition to the dysphoria we all have especially early in transition. That’s a lot to handle and it probably doesn’t help depression to be going through that, and depression is going to be also fucking with your ability to think about the future in more positive terms.
The good parts of being trans include, fundamentally, the euphoria. You will get it more and more often. The euphoria is why I love being transgender