I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that’s what it’s about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes??? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I’m a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I’m getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I’ve been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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I’ll go again!
COunt me in coach! ill take the week of the 15th -21st of December!
Had a big burst of chest growth recently. My tits feel huuuge! Basically the only thing keeping me from crashing out rn tbh
Unfortunately nothing really happened today worth talking about. Did another injection I guess. Really like talking with people here but yea, nothing to report :/
Well, I may as well feelings post again even though it doesn’t really matter. Meant to not.
negativity
I fucking hate being trans. I’d hate it in whatever magical, impossible scenario people make up, and what actually matters, in material reality. There is nothing good out of this. People who like it must be living a fundamentally experience then I am because no matter what good things I think about happening in my future, I still will not. I won’t if I move to a big city in a blue state, I won’t like it if I get srs, or ffs, or vfs. I won’t like it if I still manage to find a partner, I won’t like it if I still manage to get a job. It will never be a positive thing, or even a neutral thing, it will always have downsides and trauma and everything else. And I obviously, obviously, do not know how to cope with this reality. I have been putting up with it for what, like a good year now? And still nada. Even with such obvious and unexpected good things potentially in the future. It still fucking sucks and I still hate it and I still can’t deal with it. Fuck me.
dysphoria, misgendering, euphoria
Its such a short amount of time and you’ve only taken a few steps in, it will all take time.
I do appreciate that its hard and has been very difficult for you. I feel conflicted because I think trans bodies are beautiful, non passing or clockable or passing - and yet, I wanna do a lot like FFS and bottom surgery and HRT all in the effort to look more femme and pass. Although, I guess its not really about passing? Its about liking how I look and feeling at home in my body.
I think youre still dealing with very intense depression and its going to warp how you think, its not going to let you see an optimistic future where things are better and its going to warp what the future even is into a distant fuzzy impossible distant place instead of something you have control over. It’s also going to make you have these all-or-nothing or whatever on things that actually will be quite positive for you. It actually will almost certainly improve your life to get bottom surgery and voice training and whatever else, you actually will almost certainly be quite happy with boobs and a more femme figure, but it will seem impossible because of dealing with depression. I, personally, think your life will be better in a more accepting place which might mean a big city and a blue state and having roommates you’re out with where you can be yourself at home. It is objectively true that with a job you will be better, now subjectively thats what you feel.
I think part of the deal is you still have to (willingly or not or whatever) be closeted with the people you live with and probably get misgendered on the daily, hourly, in addition to the dysphoria we all have especially early in transition. That’s a lot to handle and it probably doesn’t help depression to be going through that, and depression is going to be also fucking with your ability to think about the future in more positive terms.
The good parts of being trans include, fundamentally, the euphoria. You will get it more and more often. The euphoria is why I love being transgender
mood
No shirt no shoes no feywild 🙅♀️
Every single negative thought pattern I have, every bit of pity I give to myself, I want to take it out and burn it. I’m tired of it.
I ain’t tolerating these useless bumass thoughts that don’t do the chores but leave behind a big mess every night! Apologies for the capitalist language, but I’m going to evict these frauds and losers.
I texted a guy about a date yesterday and he gave a mixed response and hasn’t said anything since. I wonder if I made some kind of misstep
Nvm he texted back
Someone told me my name was cute (which it objectively is) and I got to respond “thanks I picked it myself”
Being trans is cool
omg i did this to someone toooo!
some of the coolest things to do as trans, this is true
My webnovel addiction is horrifically bad ngl. I’ve read 2000 chapters in the past 4 months. That is not good. I think I’m going to have to take a break so that I can read web comics instead.
I wish my friends understood that a dating app profile can be ideologically bad
i'm cute
ooh good color!
Whoa that is cute!!
on the subject, I don’t take a lot of photos of myself but I had to make a profile photo for my job. and ughfhfhfhfjsoanzjd every time I see it it makes me so happy. I need to take more selfies
The cyan/dark turquoise color really does work well with nails.
It’s my fav for sure
That’s such a pretty color!
injection day. It’s gonna be a good day.
FRIDAY NOT A GUY DAY!!!
Or “I’m a guy day” for our transmasc friends.
dysphoria
most days I have a neutral-to-positive relationship with being talltm, but then sometimes I get days like today where just everything else feels so small and it’s like I’m a giant ogre. I can’t even walk around my own apartment without feeling like some kind of ancient monster or something.
I just need a button I can press every now and again that makes me like 5’6" for a few hours
I have a hard time seeing live music because I can never just be in the crowd without feeling like I’m in the way
I think I might’ve overcooked my beans for my chili :( I’m not too worried about the texture, if it ends up coming out more like split pea soup I wouldn’t mind. I read that overcooking them can lead to nutrient loss but hopefully since the cooking in happening in the chili, the nutrients at least stay in. As long as they don’t break down a lot.
cw: meat
I should’ve just made the chili vegan anyway. The only reason I’m cooking it this long is to break down the connective tissue in the meat I added so that it’s nice and tender. Not that I couldn’t also just pre-cook the meat in the pressure cooker, but I’ve been meaning to cut back and stop eating animal products anyway.
How did it turn out???
Kinda bitter unfortunately. Not sure if it was the overcooking or adding too many bay leaves. Adding vinegar and salt seems to have helped though. I’m bringing some to my Mom later this weekend to try so I’ll see what she thinks and if time helps. The other flavors are great at least! Live and learn I guess
Being a book reader means family usually thank me for history lessons I go off on 😌, it’s me being
really but it’s very much something I like about myself and admire in others. Once my testing done tomorrow gonna dive back into it, still need to finish the corporation but I also checked out another book called survival of the richest. Unironically I feel bless for my ability to read and the public library I go to 🙏I think the problem with being a
sincere dweeb (talking from personal experience) I believe noble goals with my full heart. Hearing about the goals of weatherization of which protecting the most vulnerable people (kids, elderly, infirmed, poor) from extreme heat or cold is vital and this can only really be done if a house is properly weatherized. HVAC is built on this since what’s the point of ‘cooling’ a space if it won’t stay ‘cool’ or hemorrhages money while doing so. Because of climate change extreme weather is gonna get less extreme and more the norm.I think of my own family how the very act of turning on the AC was something of a devil’s bargain because costs. What proper weatherization could have saved, maintenance of our AC system, and even if the duct work was optimal or we even had a right sized unit. Not to mention proper diagnosis “does this really just need more charge vs a problem with air flow.” We were too poor to afford it ourselves and had to rely on government programs to help but even then it’s a sweet spot of you gotta be poor enough because of means testing.
Idk how many of these goals are believed in or not or if I’m being a sucker buying it but damn it means something to me. I can see myself one day if I start my own business to do some pro bono work especially if it’s an easy enough fix.
I’m basically
sad we don’t got any Ichiban emojis I think I fit him better
